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March 24 2006 - Amazing Day
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I had the most amazing day! I had to get all the gear I need to take to Africa. (It STILL doesn't feel real). This involved buying a camera - I've never owned a camera in my life - walking boots, ditto, sleeping bag etc, etc, etc; ditto, ditto, ditto. So I was incredibly grateful to David for agreeing to accompany me and guide me to shops I never knew existed. 'Blacks' 'Millets' - we avoided Army Surplus - and I ended the day completely kitted out as a woman I do not recognize as myself. But... I did find some very amusing trousers which had two zips in the leg - in both legs actually - and when you unzipped the lower ones they went from being full length to mid calf, and when you unzipped the higher ones they turned into shorts! How cool is THAT!? I never dreamed such a thing existed. When I told Vick about them later, she said that they had 'been around for years' and did I think I needed to 'get out more'? I replied, not without a certain asperity, 'I am going to Africa'. That shut her up. But there is a huge shadow re: Africa because I cannot bear the thought of leaving Caspar. Non-feline lovers...blog off...right now. Caspar has been my constant companion for several years and during that time we have become very close. Very close. I'm not implying that the relationship is such that if the RSPCA knew, I would end up in jail and Caspar would end up in care, but it could possibly involve a court case. (Only joking your honour.) Never having lived with a cat before, I had no idea how much magic I would discover when I did. A friend, who's a vet, said to me once, 'dogs are clever, but cats are very clever' and I forget whom it was who said, 'dogs have owners, cats have staff', but never was a truer word spoke! My concern regarding Caspar is that he'll miss me and because he's 75 this year - that's human years not cat years - and because he has only 30 percent kidney function left, and because he may not realize I'm coming back, I have this appalling thought, 'what if I never see him again'? If Vick was at home all day I would feel considerably better, but as she has to earn a buck out in the big wide world that is not an option. But... I did understand today that my awareness is heightened just now, because I feel that I am living in the moment to a greater degree than I have for some time. So, if I continue to stay in the moment, I should be okay when I hit Africa. Right? Right. So that's okay then. I will not allow the fact that when I go Africa, as a woman I don't recognize as myself, to deter me in the slightest- I mean, a rucksack instead of a handbag, 'who IS this person?' - I won't think about Caspar at all, or Vick or my home, or my friends, or...David because I shall be totally focused in the moment. Won't I? Of course I will. No probs. Just don't let anything happen to Caspar, please Mrs. Universe; please take care of my boy. And let him be as happy and content as the day is long. Who am I trying to kid? As soon as I close the front door, he'll be up the stairs to Vick, he'll settle himself on her bed and not give me a second thought until I arrive home. I cannot tell you how happy that would make me, and enable me to go to Africa with a much lighter heart.
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