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July 29 2006 - My Dilemma
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When I left for Africa it was with the intention of resolving several key issues in my life; the biggest being, what was I going to do with my life in the future? In a professional capacity that is. I've been an actress for 43 years and it's really the only life I know, and the only talent I have, capable of earning me money. But my 'life in art' has proved to be extremely difficult and although I love the work itself and adore my fellow (good) actors, I recognized that I loathe the business side of the work which seems to encroach further and further on the 'artistic' side. The bottom line, - as with virtually everything it seems - is the great God MONEY. I know that actors who work in 'soaps' for example have punishing schedules, little if any rehearsal time because the pressure to 'get it in the can' is paramount. Consequently the work is compromised, the actors feel disillusioned and exploited and the only happy people are the producers; even though ratings drop - sometimes quite dramatically - as a result. Instead of allowing more time for the actors to develop their characters, they resort to ever more fantastic story lines which totally lack credibility and resolve absolutely nothing. It's not all like that of course; at the top end of the business, i.e. the R.S.C. and the National, they have aeons of rehearsal time and a great deal of money is thrown at the production, but only two percent of the profession are privileged to occupy those rarified heights; the rest of us - myself included - scrabble around near the bottom of the barrel and do our best with the occasional bone that is tossed in our direction. Consequently, life for the majority of the profession is one of frequent periods of unemployment, frequent trips to the dole queue, massive rejection, crises of confidence and a constant battle to maintain self esteem and a belief in ones talent. Not an easy row to hoe, trust me. I made foolish mistakes early on in my career, but that was forty years ago, and I feel that I have now paid my dues and things should surely pick up and the balance be redressed. I am under no illusions regarding my talent; I know I'm good, very good, and if the business ran on talent alone, I should be working all the time on work that is commensurate with my skills. But it doesn't run on talent alone, obviously; look at all the actors who haven't a clue who appear to work constantly. So, after giving it a great deal of thought, I decided to leave the profession. I knew I wanted no more rejection, no more auditions for 3 line parts in obscure afternoon soap operas directed by school boys who are barely out of short trousers, no more trying to understand why someone with my gifts couldn't get arrested let alone employed. I knew that whatever remains of my life, I wanted to invest it in something worthwhile, something meaningful that would make a difference, however small. In Africa, I felt I was doing just that; caring for animals who had been traumatized by mans inhumanity to animals, and let's face it, the cruelty inflicted by man on his own species, not only animals, extends to everything that lives on the planet including the planet itself. Because man doesn't learn from his mistakes, he simply repeats them over and over again. I felt at peace in Africa; I loved living in the bush surrounded by Nature, the natural beauty of this magnificent planet taking my breath away at every turn; I felt I had come home, that I was finally where I was meant to be, doing what I was meant to be doing. So, on my return to England I resolved to leave the profession; I would not audition ever again, I would not expose myself to the slings and arrows of a business I found harsh, cruel and ultimately too destructive to warrant my remaining in it. I decided that if I was to work as an actress ever again, it would be on my terms; those terms being, if someone made me an offer; no audition, simply a 'phone call to my agent asking if Jacqueline Pearce was available to appear in a production. As the chances of this happening were zero - I haven't been offered a job without auditioning for decades - I felt as though a HUGE weight had dropped from my shoulders - and I was finally free to get on with the rest of my life. To celebrate this newly discovered freedom, I went to Ibiza to stay with two dear friends I visit every year and told them of my decision. In the midst of my telling, my mobile rang. It was my agent, calling with the news that I had just been OFFERED two episodes in a prime time medical series!!! What is it they say; when you no longer want something, you get it? I have of course accepted, and will appear in Casualty in due course. Can you f-----g believe it?...
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