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August 16 2006 - Casualty
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I had such a good time! It's a long time since I've worked with such a lovely company. It isn't always easy walking into a long running show as a guest; and Casualty has been on air for 21 years. The cast know one another very well, and it's easy for a guest to feel excluded from their charmed circle and rather out on a limb so to speak. Not so with Casualty. Everyone went out of their way to make me feel welcome, both in front of the camera and behind it. The atmosphere in the studio was relaxed, professional and therefore conducive to good work. I loved playing opposite Simon MacCorkindale; he's a very generous actor, a gentleman to his fingertips and the possessor of a very good sense of humour. He's also wise, thoughtful and completely without pretension. In short, a good egg. And our director Ben Morris was a joy. I also recognized that my approach to the work had changed. No longer did I feel primal terror when the director said 'action'; far from it: not only did I feel completely at home and relaxed in front of the camera, I had fun! And I think I know why. When I made the decision to go to Africa for the first time, I was in effect finally taking control of my life. No longer was I playing a passive, waiting game; I didn't like the life I was living, so I changed it. Dramatically! And by doing so I created a new life for myself, a life that is rich in joy, love and laughter. Not that those qualities weren't present before, of course they were, but there was also huge sadness, and it is that sadness that appears to have no place in my present life. That's not to say it has completely disappeared: I'm aware that it will always be a part of me, but it no longer dominates. Why? Because my life has been a search for unconditional love, a love that, if we're fortunate we receive from our mothers. The maternal bond is the most powerful and intimate of all our relationships. Before we ever hit the deck screaming, we have spent nine months in the warmth, darkness and safety of our mother's womb. We are bone of her bone, flesh of her flesh. A relationship has been established before we ever meet our fathers. Her body, designed to sustain life after birth is equipped to feed us, and as she does so her milk provides everything necessary for a strong immune system and emotional security when we face life as independent beings. It is an accepted fact that babies who are not breast-fed have weaker immune systems and are far less emotionally secure than their breast fed counter-parts. The same holds true for monkeys: those in the Sanctuary who are fed formula are not as strong as those who remain with their mothers in the wild, are very needy emotionally and will remain vulnerable in those areas for life. There is no doubt in my mind that my babies recognized the wounds of maternal loss that I myself had experienced. They understood and shared my trauma; there was an instant knowing, a profound connection, a fusion of spirits, and the huge gift I received from the monkeys was that of unconditional love. To experience as a human being, that love from a wild animal, is a gift beyond compare. And it is the greatest privilege of my life. I am profoundly humbled by my relationship with the monkeys; they held my hands and healed me. They confirmed what I have always known in my heart; that love is the ultimate power, the answer to every question, the solution to every problem: it possesses the magic of alchemy. It is a totally transforming experience, but there is a great deal of base metal to get through before we can know the divine experience of gold. I left Africa a very different woman to the one who had arrived. I left with my head held high, filled with the energy of the love I had experienced there. I knew true confidence and self-acceptance for the first time in my life, and in the weeks I have been back in England, the joy I discovered with the acceptance has remained with me and I feel secure in the knowledge that it will never desert me. Nor I it. I thought that I had to make a choice between acting and Africa. I don't: one feeds the other. The richness of my personal life can only enhance my professional life, and vice-versa. What a lucky girl I am! And I have to acknowledge both sides of my nature. I'm as happy falling out of the Ivy at 2am as I am living in a tent in Africa, (well... perhaps not QUITE)! What I mean is, I love being with (good) actors; they make me laugh (a lot), they stimulate me, ignite my curiosity and make me know I'm alive and at home in a world I understand. In short, they are great playmates! So, thank-you Casualty, you showed me a really good time and I had a ball! I also made another discovery in Africa. I do have a mother. Her name is Nature. Gosh, golly gee, lucky ol' me!!! x
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