|
June 20 2007 - A Bolt From The Blue
|
I'm sitting on the terrace where I wrote my last blog, the sun is shining, the sky a cloudless blue; the only sound is coming from Solly - one of our workers as he rakes the leaves from around the house. Candy is with me, and the scene is very similar to the one I enjoyed when I wrote my last blog. But the difference this week is that I cannot see the screen through the tears that are pouring down my face. I've just re-read my last blog; I was anticipating an evening sitting around the fire watching the full moon, drinking wine and laughing with friends. But it didn't quite work out like that... An hour after I'd finished writing my blog, I was sitting in the house answering some emails. It was early evening and too cold to remain on the terrace. Suddenly Debs appeared. 'Jackson, can I have a word?' 'Of course darling, let's go outside.' We went outside and Debs looked at me, 'Jackson, I'm so sorry, there's a dead monkey in 'Skunky A.' It took a moment for me to register the information. 'But that's MY enclosure. Debs, who is it'? 'I don't know Jackson, I really don't'. I turned and ran towards my enclosure at a speed I didn't know I was capable of. Halfway there, I saw Indy trying to head me off. 'Who is it Indy?' I said. She didn't reply. 'INDY, WHO IS IT; IS IT FELIX?' Still she didn't reply, and of course I knew. I knew it was my beloved Felix, a monkey with whom I'd connected on so deep a level, the monkey who had so captured my heart and spirit, that I moved to Africa to be with her. And suddenly she's DEAD'? I continued to run to my enclosure, and then I met Arthur carrying her in his arms, wrapped in a red blanket. He gave her to me and I uncovered her tiny face. She looked as though she were sleeping, but she wasn't, she was dead. I felt my heart explode into a million fragments, felt a pain so profound that nothing else existed. Indy arrived and we sat under a tree and I covered my precious girl with kisses, her body was still warm, and I wanted nothing more than to bring her back to life. The shock of her death was, and remains surreal. She hadn't been ill; there was no preparation for this; her death was the result of a freak accident. There was a rope in the enclosure, which she loved to play on. Somehow she got tangled up in it and hung herself. Her face was not contorted in any way; I took great comfort from knowing that it had at least been quick, she hadn't suffered. That was the only thing I could thank God for. Grief is composed of anger and sadness, and I felt an anger so overwhelming that if I had met God then, He wouldn't have stood a chance. But the God I was cursing was not the God I believe in. My God is Nature; the dog lying at my feet, the sky above my head, the tree's surrounding me, the stars at night, and every monkey I can see. I love Nature with such a passion. But I know that Nature is never sentimental; She is awesomely beautiful, infinitely powerful and to be respected totally. She holds all the cards - try throwing tenners at a tsunami - and although She is ruthless, She is never malicious, where-as I feel the God of organised religion, is a malicious, vindictive, controlling son of a who knows what, who operates on a 'pay now, live later' policy - suffer in this life and heaven is yours when you die. Perleese.... get.... fucking.... REAL! I was obviously born without the gift of 'faith' which appears to be the ability to believe totally in something that cannot be proven; life after death. That's not to say I think that 'this is IT' it's simply that I know Life and Death to be mysteries and it seems it's not for us to solve them, but because I live so closely with Nature, with flora and fauna I've come to be more and more aware that this is far from 'IT'. But what form it takes, what happens after death remains the mystery it was intended to be. I recognise what a great privilege my relationship with Felix was; how many people can claim to have had a relationship with a wild animal in general, and a monkey in particular? And not just any old monkey, Felix was recognised to be a special monkey: her intelligence was never in question, nor her curiosity and outrageous charm; that she saw herself as a Princess was the most obvious thing about her! And although I believe that my understanding of that privilege will in time be of enormous comfort to me, there is a journey I have to make in order to reach that knowledge, and right now my pain is too raw, my anguish for the loss of that little girl too great to allow me to imagine a time when my heart might heal. I know I will write about this journey as I make it, and I will share it with you, but for today I can do no more...
| 
