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July 06 2007 - Playing To My Strengths
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I'm so very grateful to have been here when Felix's death occurred. She had another 'mummy' called Hilde who lives in Denmark. Hilde had left the Sanctuary about two weeks before Felix died, and I had the painful task of letting her know via e-mail. Here, I am surrounded by people who have lost their special monkey, although, what monkey isn't special, and understand completely what I am going through. Hilde on the other hand finds there is no one she can talk to about her feelings without getting the 'but she was only a monkey' response. While I marvel at their ignorance, my heart breaks for Hilde as she attempts to come to terms with her loss on her own. I know you'll read this Hilde, and you know that every-one here sends their love; we're all with you in spirit and I hope that affords you some comfort my darling. I've learned a great deal already about my relationship with the monkeys; we all have our different strengths, and in the weeks before she died my relationship with Felix was changing, and I was unable to understand how to deal with it. In all the time I'd worked with her, she had never attacked me, and I was convinced that however often she 'eye browed' me, (if a monkey raises its eyebrows at you, RUN; it means that they're mega pissed off and a rapid retreat is the wisest course of action), stood on her hind legs and bared her teeth, she would, never, EVER bite ME! And then.... she did. And, her playmate Amber, bit Indy - Amber meaning to Indy, what Felix meant (means?) to me. The problem was yes, one of ranking, but also of jealously. They were extremely jealous of each other, and when their humans entered the enclosure, their battle for attention could sometimes be fierce. If Felix was on my shoulder grooming me, and Amber hopped onto my head to say 'hello', Felix would fly at her and the battle between them would commence upon my head; this usually involved a few bites to the skull, OR, they would band together and attack me. The situation was repeated with Indy. Indy handled the situation far, far better than I did; Indy is a brilliant monkey handler, just 19 years old and a great beauty. Indy's approach was to immediately establish her authority, both vocally and with her body language, and establish command and restore order; if not harmony! I on the other hand, would burst into tears, try and get them off my head, (another mistake; never - or rarely - become involved in an altercation between two monkeys, even if the battle is taking place on your head)! And generally 'go to pieces'. Now, monkeys who are exceptionally bright, still being in possession of the 'sixth sense,' which we had, abused, and lost somewhere in the far mists of time, regard me as the lowest member of the troop, and therefore the one to be picked on the most. Why? Because, I had failed to understand that they were no longer fragile babies who needed constant 'mothering' but robust young 5 year olds (in human years) who required a completely different approach. They needed to know their boundaries - just as children do - and I had failed to establish them. And just like human children, they took the piss! Our open enclosures are surrounded by electric fencing, without it, our guys could go onto another property and run the very real risk of getting shot, so before they are released into the open enclosure, they spend some months in a closed one, one side of which is electrified, and needless to say, some of them touch the fence, get shocked and learn not to approach it again. Although I recognise the need for this, I find it impossible to witness. I understand that we have to be 'cruel to be kind' but I have to acknowledge that I don't have the strength for the cruel bit, and will remain with the kind. So, from now on, I shall work with the tiny babies; they all need to spend some time with a human when they first come in because they are obviously traumatised from losing their mother, the sick and the injured. These seem to be my strengths, and it makes sense to play to them. Love, xxx
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