Nearly eight months have passed since I arrived in London; I expected to be gone three weeks later, and I'm still here. If I had had any idea of what lay ahead of me all those months ago when I hit these shores, I would have lost the plot completely; as it is, I hung onto the plot for five long months, and then lost it. Big time.

I hadn't slept properly for months, was permanently exhausted, the sleeping pills I was taking were so ineffective, I might as well not have bothered, and the anti-depressants that had provided relief for the previous four years weren't even touching the sides, and using my remaining energy to fend off my awareness of the huge panic that was threatening to engulf me, finally brought me to the inevitable total collapse. My fear that I would never be able to return to South Africa: my certainty in my own belief that I would return had finally been eroded, and I fell screaming into the pit of darkest despair. When I experience depression, it is always as an inconsolable sadness, and although I know the root of that sadness, and despite decades in therapy, I am still vulnerable to it. For me Africa is the home I never had, always longed for, and searched for all my life; to finally have found my sanctuary, and then be denied access to it, was one loss too many.

So, off I hauled myself to my doctor, who immediately referred me to the 'Emergency Psychiatric Unit' which is the politically correct name for the 'Mad Unit'. I was in a state of profound despair when I arrived having completely lost the will to live, only to discover soon after my arrival that I had found a place of safety, compassion and hope. They've been treating me for some weeks now, and helping me to use the psychological self awareness that I've accumulated over my many years of therapy in a structured and very practical way. But despite their help, deep in my heart I knew that the only way I could realistically expect to survive, lay in being granted my visa to Africa.

I have very dear friends who are connected to people who hold positions in places to which I don't have access. Being very concerned by the state I was in, they did everything they could to help. So when I went into the Embassy today, I was told that they could in fact help me, they were reviewing my application and I would have my answer soon. This is the best news of my life, and although I won't fully let my breath out until I have my visa in my hot little hand, I am confident that I will get it, and will be back in Africa with my babies in the very near future.

Rehearsals for the play begin shortly, and secure in the knowledge that at the end of the run I shall, finally, be returning home has my heart singing! I shall have the best time of my life when Fuchsia finally hits the boards; doing the job I love above all others with an amazing company; in what I know will be a unique production! Whatever the reaction of press and public we're going to have the time of our lives, and will love every second of every day. What joy! The omens are good babes, the omens are good!

I wish you the happiest of new years, and trust that your will be as joyous as mine! Much love, x