My little monkey!!!

And that's as far as I've got... I had, what I considered to be the bright idea of writing my blogs to you in future, in the form of a letter. I know I'm stuck with you, and I suspect you are with me, so I might as well accept it, and acknowledge you as a constant presence in my life. When I wrote that first sentence, the tears came again Flex, and I thought that was as far as I was going to be able to get! (Perhaps I should explain to other readers, that in Afrikaans, Felix is a girl's name and pronounced Flex), but I miss you, my little Princess and because I shared a relationship with you that was/is one of the most powerful of my life, you, and only you will fully understand the depth of the bond we shared.

You were the first monkey I ever held; you were about 4 months old and tiny; your body fitted into the palm of my hand; you nearly slipped through the crook of my arm! But I managed to hold you there, and give you a bottle of milk. One tiny hand held the neck of the bottle, the other curled around my forefinger and you looked into my eyes with a detached intensity. During the time it took you to drink 100ml of formula milk, an exchange of energy occurred between us and an unbreakable bond was established, the full meaning of which I could only realise with your death. Yes, Flex, I'm beginning to gain a small insight into the meaning of our relationship and your decision to pop off to that great big Vervet forest in the sky.

For some days after you died, the shock was still so great that I could no longer see your face when I closed my eyes, no longer imagine the feel of you, the sweet smell of you, and this inability added to my distress immeasurably. I groped around in the dark for some evidence of my girl, but there was none, only a black hole filled with pain. But now, I find that all those abilities are returning and O! Flexi, that is such a comfort. I can feel you now sitting on my right shoulder as you groom my hair and I rub my head against your side; feel the softness of your fur, inhale the uniqueness of your scent, and see the lipstick around your mouth from where you'd snogged me when I arrived. You liked a good snog didn't you Flex? We're often told as handlers, not to kiss a monkey on the lips. We all do of course, because when monkeys decide they want to kiss you on the lips, their persistence is so funny, that inevitably the handler falls about laughing, the monkey's arms tighten around the neck in a vice like grip and they kiss away to their hearts content. You were especially good at that Flex, but then you had the ability to get exactly what you wanted when you wanted, down to the finest of fine arts. And not only with doting old me. Your capacity to amuse made you putty in the hands of almost all who met you. And you knew exactly what you were doing; you knew your strengths and you played to them - how intelligent was that? You had charm, wit, (I had no idea monkeys could be witty) and the intelligence to 'suss' out your human handlers and manipulate them accordingly. And no-one threw a hissy fit quite like you Miss Felix! I of course played right into your exquisite hands, and I think it only fair Flexi to say that you 'took the piss'. Repeatedly, frequently, if not all the time!!! You knew exactly how to get Jelly Tots out of me; (and had the teeth, or not, depending on your point of view, to prove it) you would sit on my head and refuse to get off whenever I tried to leave the enclosure thus ensuring a walk round to tent village kitchen in order to be given your red - you liked the red best - jolly tot. Then, and only then would you agree to being returned to the enclosure, chewing contentedly and looking very pleased with yourself.

When I returned to England at the end of May 2006 after my first visit; I thought of you constantly, and you have occupied my thoughts in a dominant way, on a daily basis ever since. When I arrived in Africa ten weeks later for my second visit, any doubts I had that you may not remember me were dissolved when I entered the enclosure and you raced onto my head and talked non stop, and hugged and kissed me. Ah! Flexi, it was one of those moments that will stay with me always; it was such a joyful re-union.

When I returned for my third visit, Indy told me that you had become very withdrawn after I left the second time, to such a degree that she became very concerned about you. The thought of you being depressed and knowing that I was the cause, horrified me, and I knew I had to make a decision as to where I was going to base myself: England, because I'm an actress, or Africa because I had fallen in love with a Vervet Monkey? Put like that the choice was simple, and I arrived in Africa for a fourth time knowing I was going to stay. You had won, hands down!

Tomorrow, we have that rare occurrence, a blue moon. You popped off on the first of the month during the full moon, and tomorrow, the last day of the month there is another one; hence the blue moon. One of the many things I admired about you Flex, was your style and sense of occasion, which you displayed my angel, until the very end. Tomorrow night, Indy and I will visit you at your grave, drink (lots) of wine and send love and hugs to our girl...xxxxxxx